I am writing this today because I think I am at a crossroad where I need to take more active control over my life. This year has been wonderful at the same time quite dark, literally and figuratively speaking. I am writing to today because I want to publicly state that I need to stop drinking, or at the very least drink in moderation; drink with the intention of not to getting loaded. These days I when I drink it’s because I do not want to think about anything. Before it was just to pass the time, now it’s just “running away” from the issues that surround me. These issues aren’t my own but of my family, and there is little to absolutely nothing I can do to fix it. It’s beyond my scope and capabilities, and it really sucks having to see them having to live with it.
I don’t have real issues of my own just yet. But financially I feel like I am bombing out hard because I don’t have any savings anymore and a lot of my spending is on going out with family and friends and getting loaded. It’s an expensive habit when you racking up 300-500 rand bills twice-three times a week and you’re the one picking up the bill. Don’t get me wrong they do contribute now and then but for the most part when they don’t have the capital and you have a common pain, what do you do?
Why does it have to stop?
The main reason why I need to stop drinking is that I need to find happiness. I had it last year, 2018, one the best years of my life despite all the BS around me and lost it. I deserve to be happy, just like every living thing in this world. It’s not also helping me with achieving my goal of moving as far west as west would have me. And to be honest, in theory, these are relatively easy goals to achieve.
The problem comes when life delivers you a box full of poop and you cannot dispose of it, what do you do? My ex-partner said to me that the only thing you can do is to suck it and live with it. Which is the correct approach for some time but as humans for a sustained period of time just sucking up shit there will come a moment where you will just break, and for me, that is the scariest part because I do not know what will happen or how I’ll behave when it does happen.
Personally I find what helps is having someone to talk to that’s also going through something of significance who isn’t a therapist or family and just sharing information and ideas. The problem I have found with this is that for the most part is, at least within my current crop of people they don’t want ever talk about it, and it’s hard. I believe that people always need someone to talk to and if nobody is around it will just make you feel lonely and go through depression, for me and many other the people there has only been one true reliable friend out there and that’s the bottle.
What is next?
It’s the end of the year and also the decade so it’ll be kind of difficult to not have a drink. I don’t think it will be that easy to stop drinking 100%, but I will make a conscious effort to not get loaded. My friend Lerato posted a few cards on her IG asking us about the people who have inspired us to get things done this year, and what are the significant things have we done in 2019. I think it will be the topic of my next few posts. That said I actually need to add to my people’s list, I have to more people to write about.